One of my sorority sisters and good friends of mine wrote a pretty good article on Total Sorority Move about dating, tinder, and everything in-between. I wanted to share it with y’all and see if you have anything to add onto it from your own dating experiences. Let me know in the comments below what you think!
I get it. With apps like Tinder, it’s not the easiest thing to transition from the all-too-tempting life that is casual dating for bigger and better things. I’m using the term “casual dating” loosely here. We all have our needs, and hooking up is just so easy when the initial step is at your fingertips, right? Before the whole “I’m horny, let me download this app to find a dick” era, you at least had to take off your yoga pants, squeeze into a bodycon dress, and round up your girlfriends to trot your pretty asses to a bar. Then, when you finally got to that bar, you had to invest at least 20 to 30 minutes of “twerking it” on the dance floor as an invitation for a hot stranger to grind his man junk on your squat-sculpted booty. Even after all of that, you still had to spot your girlfriends to shoot them the “hot or not?” signal for approval to be on your way for yet another one-night stand with a guy who introduced himself with his penis.
Who has time for that anymore?
Don’t blame yourself for your laziness in the dating department. I’m right there with you. It’s not our fault. We’ve literally been molded into a 20-something society which craves and demands instant gratification. If I want to binge watch chick flicks while getting my wine night on with my girls, I turn on Netflix. There’s no waiting involved. If I want those shoes I saw at the mall the other day but don’t feel like searching for them again, I go online and purchase them with one click. The same goes for finding a guy. What is Tinder if not a rotating sushi bar of men? Boys? Man boys? They’re all just screaming, “PICK ME! EAT ME!” And what do we do? We scarf sushi down to the point of no return until one day we wake up and we’re just so over it.
The saying goes that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Only in this case, you’re the dog and the trick is getting your shit together in order to find a real relationship. But I disagree. You can totally teach that bitch a new trick or two. A serious relationship is not just an ancient thing that your ancestors used to do that involved seeing each other more than once or accidently at the gym. But unfortunately for you hookup veterans, it’s going to require a whole other game plan to make that happen. Luckily for y’all, a recovering Tinderella is here to put in her two cents.
Here are a few dos and don’ts of dating if you’re looking for something serious.
. . . hide your intentions and desires. By no means should your first step be to tell him that you’re looking for a serious relationship. We’re not trying to send the guy running for the hills. However, it’s best to let him know sooner than later that you’re looking to date, not to hook up. Just don’t make it the initial topic of conversation. Ease into it.
. . . be honest with yourself and your pursuer. If the first thing he says to you involves anything sexual, beware. Just like the girl at recruitment who knows more about your sorority than you do and lets you know ASAP, this guy is clearly on a mission. He wants one thing and one thing only. Sure, he might be the most gorgeous thing you’ve ever seen, but you would be wise to ignore that voice in the back of your mind telling you he might just be kidding. Nope. Onto the next one, girlfriend. He’s not boyfriend material and you know better than that.
. . . think Prince Charming is going to show up out of the blue. As lovely as it would be, we are not Disney princesses and Prince Charming isn’t going to come stampeding into your sorority house on a white steed declaring his love. You are going to have to put some effort into finding Mr. Right, whether it’s the old-fashioned way or by using the Internet.
. . . keep your Tinder account and other dating profiles. I am a firm believer that they can still be great tools to use to get dates. They are what you make them, regardless of their reputation. You may have to swim through a sea of douchebags to find the dateable guys, but it’s worth it. I know several girls who have entered long-term relationships using Tinder. It may seem as common as seeing a unicorn, but it does happen when approached the right way.
. . . date someone you have no interest in or ignore your deal breakers.Set some standards, girls. Some of us get so tired of trying to find the guy we’re looking for that we begin to question the things we want in a guy. This can lead to accepting dates from guys who you have little to no interest in with the hopes that you will after meeting them or spending more time with them. Do not kid yourself. Unless you find something attractive in either his looks or personality, you’re wasting your time and his. Also, definitely do not negotiate your deal breakers. They’re called deal breakers for a reason.
. . . keep an open mind. There is a difference between having a set of qualities you would like in the person you’re dating and being narcissistic. That’s right, ladies. Guys aren’t the only ones guilty of being narcissistic. It’s fine to want someone who’s successful, educated, well-kept, funny, and so on, but if you reject guys based on the amount of weight they’re able to lift, you need to get it together. Also, be open to dating guys who may not fit the mold of what you envision in your mind. As stated before, you should never negotiate your deal breakers, but don’t alienate yourself from a certain “type” of guy who you may end up hitting it off with.
. . . go home with him on the first date. I’ve been here many times before, ladies. The date is going great, time is flying by, and you could literally spend at least several more hours hanging out. Next thing you know, it’s late but he suggests coming by his place to talk and hang out some more and you want to scream, “YES!” But pause and take a moment to consider the possibilities with this scenario. Nine times out of 10, this will lead to getting hot and heavy. I don’t care how many ways you try to flip it in your mind. Initially, that may have not been the intent, but if there’s chemistry and the moment arises, there’s no turning back. How many follow-up dates do you know of that have come after giving up the cookie? Not many. Because for them, the prize had been won. He began the race and broke the red tape all in one night. The chase is over.
. . . show interest in a non-sexual way. You may have concerns that not going home with him may cause him to think that you’re not interested. That’s a valid worry to have. At the surface, it is a rejection, but not of him. It’s a rejection of his advances that could lead to complications if your desire is to regularly date him. Instead, be clear with him. Let him know, plain and simple, that you had a great time and would love to see him again but you think it’s best to take things slow in the physical department. If he understands and contacts you for another date, you know that this guy has the potential to be the type of guy you’re looking for–a guy who’s ready to date and looking for a serious relationship. If not, you dodged a bullet.
. . . contact an old hookup in hopes that he wants more. If he wanted a relationship with you, it would have happened. Don’t think that just because there was a sexual connection between the two of you that it has the potential to be more. I’m not saying this is impossible, I’m just saying that it’s unlikely and has “messy” written all over it. You don’t want to begin a relationship with the prior baggage that a FWB or hookup brings along for the ride. He’s old news. Move on.
. . . learn from those interactions. We all go through that phase at one point or another when we think back on the good moments we had with a person we had casual sex with and wonder if it could have been more. Instead of trying to pursue that person again for something more serious, try to recall why it never happened. What led you to that relationship? Why are you no longer wanting that type of relationship? What can you do to find something more suited for your current desires for something long-term? Learn from the past, but don’t try to bring it to the present if it’s not meant to be.
So if you’re tired of Sunday morning walks of shame, take this advice. Always being down for hooking up is a phase that the best of us go through, but most of the time it’s short-lived and gets old fast. At some point, you have to put your big girl wedges on and begin the journey to find Mr. Right instead of Mr. Right Now. Don’t mess it up.